This World IS My Home....For Now!

Lily and I recently got into a bit of an argument.

She's learning different hymns at school this year, which I'm grateful for, and she overheard me talking on the phone to a friend about the various hymns that the kids are learning.

She yelled something from the top of the stairs.  I couldn't understand her, and so I ignored her, and continued talking on the phone.

She persisted.  And so I talked louder.  (My poor children).

I finally hung up and pounded up the stairs only to find Lily sitting at the top with her arms folded.

"You keep calling them all HIMS.  Some of those songs are HERS!"

Oh.  Well, I'm a logical person and so I continued with what I thought was a logical explanation:

"Lily, I know it sounds like I'm saying HIMS, but I'm actually saying HYMNS.  With a Y and N.  It's different."

"Your spelling HIMS wrong."

"Lily, Hymns are Hymns....what you sing...not HIMS....like the boys."

I'd make a terrible lawyer.  And she wasn't buying it at all.  So, I settled and suggested that she tell me which hymns are HIMS and which are HERS.

And she did.  She made a list of the girl ones and a list of the boy ones (I wonder if the HIM hymns were her least favorite).  I'm still trying to figure out the distinction.

Over the next couple of weeks, I found myself singing different hymns (hers) with Lily.  One of the hymns that came to mind is an old one that I remember my Grandparents singing.  It's called In the Sweet By and By.  The Chorus goes like this:

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

The hymn is about the beauty and wonder that we have to look forward to in heaven.  Where we'll one day meet other believers in Christ.  Where we'll one day be reunited with loved ones - on that beautiful shore.

While we listened to a version of this hymn in the car, Lily, after telling me that this particular hymn was a her, said to me:  "I can't wait until heaven."

Man, the smile on my face was huge.  And so we started talking about what heaven will be like.  She's particularly excited about eating all the mac and cheese she wants.   Jesus...mac and cheese...and flying - so much to look forward to.

On the way home later that evening, I was looking at the beautiful trees and their changing colors and was reminded of something important:  as awesome as it is to look forward to our heavenly home, this is our home for now.  And it's OK to be thankful for and embrace this home. 

I suppose in some sense that conviction goes against what Christians often say about this life - that this is "not our home."  But here's why I embrace with joy and confidence this life here on earth: 

There is, without a doubt, great pain and suffering in life. But for those of us who are believers, we experience this pain in a way unlike the rest of the world.  Each reality of brokenness, suffering, doubt and fear, brings us closer to Jesus.  Yes, the pain makes me long for heaven, as it should, but as much as it makes me look up, the suffering has also made me look around.

I was recently watching home videos from when I was a child.  Although I was "too cool for school" in most of the videos (or so says my younger sister; she's cool herself with phrases like that), there are plenty of memories captured of my sisters, my mom and dad, and the crazy life we lived ( I think my dad video taped our dogs, cats, and iguana way more than us kids).

I shed plenty of sad tears while watching the videos.  I miss my dad and and am sad that my mom continues to deteriorate.  I question why my sister, who was so vibrant and full of life, has had to face the hardship of cancer and other illnesses.

But when I look around, I can embrace the experience of friends and family being the hands and feet of Jesus through those who have cared for us in the past and continue to care for us today - sometimes in unfathomable ways.  It's during trials that I see ever more clearly the grace and mercy of Jesus.

There is also, without a doubt, great joy on this earth.  While these joyous times make me excited for eternity, I love embracing the raw happiness that this life often brings: 

Like the time when lily told her teacher that she got some bongs last night (after getting her hair cut and getting bangs).  And, she offered, my mom used to have bongs too.

I love that lily asks for Jesus Loves Me to be sung every single night before bed.  I especially love that most nights my husband and I attempt to harmonize it - just to change things up.  We've also attempted singing it ultra slow and super fast.  Just because there's only so many times a person can sing Jesus loves me.  But the harmonizing is my favorite.  And then we laugh in the middle of the song because we sound horrendous.  And yes, even after singing this song to Lily hundreds of times together, we laugh at our harmonizing.  Ever single night.  We need to get out more. 

Hebrews 13:14 says, "For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." 

There is nothing in this world worth clinging to, because heaven awaits us in the end.  And yet, the verses that follow instruct us on how to conduct ourselves here on this earth - offering praises to God, not neglecting to do good and share with others and obeying our leaders.

While heaven awaits us, our life here on earth is worthy of our embrace.  Not our grip, but our embrace.

I hope to embrace the trials as I continue to find peace in God's sovereignty, but I also hope to embrace the joys in this life for all they are worth.  Including arguments with Lily over hymns and hers. 

https://soundcloud.com/pagecxvi/04-in-the-sweet-by-and-by

Praise in the Storm

Suffering happens.  We can try to pray it away, keep it at bay, or do everything we can to protect ourselves from it, but suffering happens....to everyone.  And, frankly, the seasons of suffering that God brings are a good thing. As much of a paradox as it seems, we're called to praise Him in the midst of suffering. 

Even in knowing these truths, as a parent my instinct is to do whatever I can to protect my kids from suffering.  And what a natural instinct it is!  Just the other day, my son asked a couple of kids who were playing outside if he could join them in their game.  He hadn't done this before and confided in me that although he really wanted to meet them,  he was a little nervous.

I told him he had nothing to lose. And come on.  He's my kid - the greatest kid ever! Who would reject him?  Definitely went too far with that boost of confidence.

I watched the whole thing go down:  "I'm Jrod.  I think you guys would really like me, so can I play with you?" 

They laughed....at him.  And then they all went inside.  And that's just about the time when my momma bear alter ego kicked in (this ones hard to control - you know what I'm talking about, moms).  My heart controlled my whole body and I went running toward the house.

Thankfully rationality kicked in and I considered what in the world I was going to do once I got there.  Kick down the door?  I imagined it, don't get me wrong, but really.  So, I stopped running as my son walked toward me, head down.

"They don't want to play with me mom; they went inside."

I immediately told him that this happens to everyone.  It happened to me in sixth grade. Whether the poor kid wanted to hear the story or not, and he really didn't, I traveled back to sixth grade recess:

 I was chosen last....last!....for a kickball game.  And even then, the punky little captain (my memory; probably a really sweet kid), said only begrudgingly that she'd take me.

As I was reminiscing with my boy, something profound occurred to me:  I remember that scenario like it was yesterday.  I remember very clearly being hurt.  In my little sixth grade way, I suffered.

There was nothing specific that I remember learning at the time through that experience, but I remember it and I remember it was tough.

 And yet, I'm past it.  I can smile about it....minus the punk kid....I was torn up for days over that dumb situation, but I needed it.  Maybe it was humility God was teaching me. God, who had my path already totally planned out, included suffering for my good.  And so I praise him for it and for the many other times that I have suffered and felt the pains of this life.

None-the-less, when my son spotted another couple of boys a few days later, my response to his inquiry about seeking out their friendship was quite different.

I have to admit.  I kind of discouraged it.  Because everything in me wanted to protect him from another rejection.  I told him his sisters were just as fun as those boys.

Was that really the best I could come up with?  I was watching my girls in the kitchen painting their nails.

So, I took my statement back and simply warned him that the boys may not be totally nice to him, but to go for it.  When he left, in his second attempt to avoid nail polish and Barbie princess pop star for the morning, I realized how quickly I tried to keep him from potential pain.  And why?  Because I didn't want him to feel it.  And why?  Because it hurts me to see.  And yet, God's Word talks about suffering from beginning to end.  We won't avoid the storms, and neither will our children.

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance...

My son experienced in a small way the difficulty that life can bring, and he will continue to do so time and time again.  I can't stop it, and I can't avoid it for his sake.

But as I've reflected in the last couple of days, I know that the difficulties and trials that he faces will make him into the man who God wants him to be.  And beyond this amazing truth, they will prepare him for what he may face in the future.  They will allow him to empathize, sympathize, befriend, and trust.

One of the most beautiful things I've experienced is listening to the testimony of a believer who has suffered greatly and can express the clarity of God's hand all along the way.  This is our reality as believers through suffering - that we can experience God's grace and mercy in the midst of suffering, which allows us to know, with all our heart, that we are not in control, but confirms that God truly is. 

I remember about two months before my dad passed away, I found my husband in the basement working on his computer.  When I inquired about his work, he reluctantly told me that my dad had asked him to begin working on his funeral service.

To say I went a bit crazy would be an understatement.  I wasn't ready to face that reality and trying to imagine his life being over was too much, too unbearable, and created such anxiety in me that I began fearing what the last days might look like.

In my inability to trust and not control, I created unnecessary anxiety for several months.  It's the anticipation of the unknown that causes us to doubt, fear, and lose trust in the one who created us.

In the moments that my dad took his last breath, God was there.  He was ever present and perfectly in control.  My family could sense it in a powerful way.  And there is no doubt that in the moments after he went home, God bottled up my dad's tears and welcomed him into paradise.

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ...

Not long ago, my mom was diagnosed with a degenerative disease.  The ugliness of the disease makes me long for heaven.  And I know my mom does too. And when she can't speak anymore, I know the Lord will still hear her praises.  And one day her savior will bottle up her tears as well as He welcomes her into his glorious kingdom. 
   
But here's what's even more amazing:  We're promised not only that God will carry us through our suffering, whether it's a young child's rejection or a grown ups tears over pain and illness, but we're also promised eternal rest one day. We have the promise of a new heaven and new earth with no suffering and no tears; it will be perfection.

And as amazing and blessed as this life can be, without the suffering, we often forget from whose hand we take the lead and fail to remember where it is that we're ultimately headed.  

The link below is to a song that I recently listened to.  It had an impact on me as did the words of John Piper's godly instruction in the middle.  
 

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

He's all we need, He's all we need.  No matter what we face, He's all we need.  And so in the midst of suffering - no matter how great or small - I will praise Him. 

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper

Reflections on Regret: Another Chapter in Motherhood

It's tough being a mom.  

It's been said time and time again.  And I don't disagree with the statement.  

At times, motherhood has made me tired.  Not like the, I didn't get a good night sleep, tired; more like the, I'm going to be sick to my stomach if a see a perky person today because coffee doesn't even work, kind of tired.

Motherhood has made me worrisome.  Just a few days ago, Lily was riding her bike at the park.  She wanted so badly to ride down a very steep hill.  We told her she could, but the entire way down I imagined the fall, the scrape, the screaming, and the scoffing from her older brother.

But we let her.  And so onward she went.  But instead of the fall, the scrape, the scream, and the scoff, Lily lost control of her bike and rode straight into a pond at the bottom of the hill.

Fortunately (at least for us), there was a couple getting their engagement pictures by the pond.  As they watched the five year old scream past them and land in the water, the man reacted and pulled her out.  Moss and all.

Poor guy with the wet pants.  And while we had a hard time gaining control of our laughter once we realized she was OK, don't think for a second I don't worry every time she says she wants to ride her bike. 

At times motherhood has made me strangely self aware.  Every once-in-a-while I look in the mirror and think to myself:   I can't believe I'm a mom (at least I say it to the mirror and not to my children).  And then there are times when I can't believe how easily I can become introspective and ignore all else going on around me, including the repetitive: Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!  Can I have milk, can I have milk, can I have milk!  I need help, I need help, I need help!  stop kicking me, stop kicking me, stop kicking me!!  I'd like to think this kind of introspection is a sort of gift.

But when the strange introspection wears off, the job of motherhood can (and has) made me incredibly impatient.  

We had company the other night.  It was an adult dinner, but I figured I could multitask and play mom and host.  I could play SuperMom! for a few hours.

Lily was in the shower - I ran up the stairs to check on the kid and back down to cut the pie.  Back up the stairs to tell her to wash her hair and back down to make sure everyone had napkins and forks.  Once dessert was served, it was time to scoop up the kid, put her in bed, and fly back down to clear the plates.

Supermom's don't exist, just so you know.  No matter how awesome our cape, we're human.  And human's fail.    

When she got out of the shower, the first thing I noticed was how slimy she was and how slimy her six barbies were.  It didn't take long to figure out what she washed herself with when I saw the empty bottle of conditioner.

"Mom, I decided to use the 'air condition' on myself since it makes my hair so smooth." 

There was no time to remedy the situation, so I pulled PJ's on my slimy (still wet) and "air conditioned" five year old, sung a fast forwarded "Jesus Loves Me," and turned out the lights.

She started bawling:   

"My barbies can't go to bed naked!"  

"Yes they can.  They're barbies."

"But they'll be so cold."  

"They don't have feelings."

"How can you say that, mom!"

I picked up the slimy dolls and began the process of clothing the barbies.  For those who have experienced this sort of things before, it's no surprise that by barbie number 2 (of six) my frustration level was at it's max.  I began mumbling to myself giving commentary on the ridiculousness of dumb barbie clothes while sitting in lily's dark room.  While company was down stairs. 

I finally threw the doll and shut the door.  I heard Lily yelling: 

"That's only two of them!  The rest will be so cold!  And you said dumb!"  

I left her in her room crying.  And went down stairs to entertain.

I felt awful.  Not for the barbies, just to clarify.   

Oh Motherhood.  

Recently, I came across an article entitled, Why I regret being a Stay at Home Mom.  The title intrigued me, and to be honest, I expected there to be some twist.  Surely she wouldn't feel so raw in her decision to stay at home with her children?

But she was.  And, frankly, the sadness I felt after reading this article had nothing to do with her choice of working.  I have many dear friends who work hard at their jobs and come home to continue the hard work as moms.  I also have dear friends who stay at home working hard all day with their kids.

What made me sad in reading this article is her regret.  She said it more than once.

Sadness exudes as she expresses how she wished she led a different life, clearly reflecting on her own desires and wants rather than the difference she made in the lives of those around her during her years at home.

But isn't this easy to do?  To buy into "The grass is always greener" syndrome?  The kind of syndrome that leaves me wishing I was the mom who has a full time nanny while nearing the reality of actually strangling a barbie doll.

And yet, there is no doubt that this kind of attitude leads to regret and disappointment.  The article proved that.

What's the remedy?  How can we live in the business and the mundane, the tough and the joyful days of motherhood and still find contentment where we are? 

It's all in our perspective. 

An Eternal perspective.  This is anyone's greatest source of encouragement - including a mothers.

For every bit of work that is done to provide income, for every diaper that is changed, for every ongoing conversation that is had at bedtime when we're longing for down- time, for every load of laundry that is done (when four more sit in their baskets), none of it is without purpose.  These are the things to which we've been called and it's a high calling, no matter how mundane or overwhelming the task may seem.

It's an Eternal perspective that reminds us that our ultimate job is to point our kids to Christ.

Dueteronomy 6:7 says, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

And the joy that comes from parents who have the opportunity to watch their kids grow into their own personal love for God and His Word must be overflowing.

Regret becomes of little significance when we see eternal value. 

There's no doubt that the job will continue to be difficult.  And there's no doubt that there will be temptation along the way to wish for a different life - a different plot.  And there's no doubt that I'll continue to need the date nights and the occasional glass of wine at the end of a long day, but there's no doubt that each day's work, no matter what was involved, is significant and meaningful.  Each day has eternal value. 

I left our company again the night they were over and slipped back into lily's room. Putting the half naked barbies aside, I tucked her in.  It didn't take long, it just took a little patience.  She put her arms around my neck and whispered, "It's Ok if you don't care about my barbies, mom.  I still love you."  

I love you too.  Lily.

Simple Truths

Yesterday I taught our women's Bible study.  The study consists of a group of ladies whom I have grown to love and respect as fellow believers and sisters in Christ.  They graciously listen to my "Aha!" moments that jump out to me in a passage, even though many of them have known Jesus much longer than I have. 

I had one of those "Aha!"  moments this past week when studying First Samuel.

In the passage we were studying (and really all throughout the Scriptures) the importance of remembering is made very clear -looking back on what God has done and reflecting on his goodness in the past.  

With the tenth anniversary of my dad's death coming up this weekend, I couldn't help but reflect on the ten years that have come and gone since he went to be with Jesus.  There's so much that has changed since he's been gone, and I often wonder what Dad would have thought about all that has changed in the last ten years:

Ipad's, for example.  Who would have thought ten years ago we'd have such a thing?  I bet my dad would have loved them; not so much for the practical uses but for the games.  He loved his games, and to have them at the swipe of a finger!  Who would have thought.  Ahh....I bet he would have played Words with Friends with me and would have been pretty fired up when I won (I am a Words with Friends force to be reckoned with; yes, I'm admitting this).

There's been incredible developments, but there's been a lot of change on the home front too.  The only grandchild my dad met was Ella, and I will never forget a special moment he had with his grand-daughter in the ICU. I remember Dad telling me how much fun we were going to have with Ella in the upcoming spring. She was ten months old at the time and was busily trying to crawl all over his hospital bed.  He wondered  if she would be a busy toddler.

Oh my word.  At the time we were all ridiculously naive in thinking Ella was busy.  Ella, who would sit in her stroller hour after hour while I sat with dad in the hospital, was an angel baby.  God knew what we needed at the time.  It wasn't until two little angel-devil's entered the world (Polski children two and three) that we understood God's graciousness in having Ella be our first born.

I think my Dad would have laughed at Jrod through the years.   We had a cop visit the house a few days ago.  Apparently someone called 911 after hearing a little girl scream at the top of her lungs (a neighbor thought she might be being abducted).  No, this what not the case.  It was Lily and Jrod in the back yard.  The tornado siren went off for the monthly test, and Jrod took advantage of the situation:  "Lily, it's aliens coming to get us!  You must put your head down!  If you look up they'll suck us up!"  Thus the screaming.  Thus the confusion about child abduction.  Thus the cops.

I honestly think my dad would have laughed.  But he also would have been so proud of his grand-kids (all nine of them now!)  I will never forget this beautiful picture during a worship service just a few short weeks ago:  Jrod was singing his heart out during worship - not caring who heard him or who was around - the boy sings with all of his might to Jesus.  And there, looking up to him, was his little cousin, in awe. And not because of a particularly good voice, but because of how boldly Jrod sang.  Beautiful.  And Dad would have loved it.

So much change in the last several years:  Change in jobs, illness in our family, children brought into the world, churches planted and grown....Reflection on the past is good; I can't look back on what God has brought us through and NOT remember his faithfulness to us.  God is our help in ages past, and He's our hope for years to come.  His faithfulness remained then and it will continue for us in the future. 

But that was not my "Aha!" moment.  That moment came for me when I read and reflected on 1 Samuel 12:24: "Only fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart.  For consider what great things he has done for you."  

Only (only!) fear the Lord and serve him with all of your heart.  It's the simplicity of this verse that makes me sit here with tears in my eyes.  This life is full;  it's full of the good and it's full of the really, really tough.

As I reflect back, I have experienced both in profound ways.   And as I look forward, I can (and should) expect both.  But my calling through this life is not to solve all difficulties, control my surroundings, or fight what I think isn't good for me.  My calling is to trust Jesus and to serve him with ALL of my heart. 

Before all else, Jesus.

I miss my dad, but I know that he wouldn't leave the presence of God to come back and check out all the change - not for anything.  In the end, it is Jesus.  And so, before all else, Jesus.

We sing a song in church from time to time called "All I Have."  Each time we sing it, I find myself filled with deep emotion, and as I listened to the words again this morning, it occurred to me what is so profound about this song:  it's incredibly simple truth: 

All I have
All I have
All I have is yours.

My kids?  Their yours.  My time?  It's yours.  My abilities?  They're yours to do with what you please.  My responsibility?  To serve the Lord with all my heart.

Thanks, dad, for being an example of these simple truths.  I look forward to seeing you again someday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JDrUtzpAyM
(you can hear "All I have" by Sojourn)