I'm leading a discussion on a passage from Colossians in a couple of weeks that deals in part with a Biblical understanding of what a relationship looks like between a husband and wife. In reflecting on my own relationship, I've come to a hard and fast conclusion:
My husband is a saint.
I mean, seriously.
OK, so he's not perfect (incidentally, he vociferously denies his own sainthood, just in case you were wondering). But, if someone is going to receive a gold medal in glory for those who "Put Up With Quite a Bit From Their Wife," I, for one, am certain my husband just might have that gold hanging around his neck. In-depth study of the Bible can be convicting (thank you, Holy Spirit and Inherent Word) and I must say that I've been deeply convicted this week.
There were several points given in one commentary* that help explain what our responsibilities are as wives, according to the passage in Colossians. As an aside, this passage, and others like it in Scripture, has nothing to do with women being less important, insignificant, not equal, weak....must I go on? Not. At. All.
On the contrary, God is for both husband and wife in equal amount, and He provides us with guidelines as to what our responsibilities are in marriage because our roles in this God-given relationship aren't to be taken lightly. And thank God for the guidelines! Because, folks, it's good and right to want to do all we can to help our relationships be the best they can be. We work on things we care about, and for planners like me, I'm grateful to have something to work towards.
In reality, we have responsibilities in every single relationship in our lives: boss to employee, employee to boss, parent to child, child to parent, citizen to government - we have responsibilities in every relationship. So, it should be no surprise that we have responsibilities in our marriages as well.
So, here are a few of the summary points of our obligations in marriage, and just a few of the simple examples of why I felt, um, a little bit convicted:
1. We're called to commit our life and all it's possibilities to another
I was talking with a friend recently about those who are "germaphobes." She argued that she's not a germaphobe; rather, she's merely "germ aware." Totally. That's totally it. I'm germ aware. I'm aware of germ's pervasiveness...way more than I should be.
So, for example, if the possibility of the stomach bug comes anywhere remotely near my husband's body, it's "adios, honey!"and I'll see you when it's over...once the sheets are disinfected....and the walls Cloroxed...
I can hear enough through the small crack in the bottom of the door, so if things like liquid are needed (necessary) then I'll enter with my mask, gloves, and suit (kidding, kidding....kind of....) and provide the necessary electrolytes.
In other words, my interpretation: I'll commit all of life's possibilities, as long as they don't disrupt me, my plans for the day, and my narotic "germ aware" ness.
Convicted.
2. We should be concerned with wanting the other person's good (not just wanting the other person to meet my needs)
We have a tradition on birthdays. The celebrated gets to pick any restaurant for dinner, and the two of us, along with some friends, enjoy the fact that we have a good excuse to go out and eat good food (although I must admit, my husband and I find "good excuses" to go out more often than not: We both woke up that morning, I didn't strangle children, no one stepped on bubble gum, etc. Cheers!)
So, on his birthday my husband picked a particular restaurant. But it didn't have fish. And I really wanted fish. I rationalized: we both have to eat. Naturally, then, we should go to a restuarant that has the food I want on my husband's birthday. Duh.
Geez. The stink I put up was worse than the smell of dead fish itself. Sometimes it's hard to see past the desire for smoked salmon.
No, it's actually not. It's simply a matter of choosing to see the other person's needs and desires, but too often we're fixated on the mirror of needs and wants in front of us.
And that's when we fight for the fish.
Convicted.
3. We should be concerned for the ultimate well-being of another without trying to control that person or to win praise for such sacrifice.
I have occasional night time freak outs. Anybody? PALEEASE tell me that someone else has these frantic moments that seem to hit late at night. For those of you who have never had the pleasure...
Essentially, every joy, sorrow, pain, and anxious thought hits me all at once, and it's always late at night. I overheard my oldest describing what she sporadically hears late at night as "occasional adult temper-tantrums."
Touché', my dear, touché'.
Because basically, that's what they are. They're adult temper-tantrums, and the output of all my words and emotions are directed straight toward my husband. Why? Because he's standing there. That's why.
It doesn't matter what happened in his day because when I get going into my fits of "the world is against me," "woe is me," "has anyone even SEEN how many times I took out the trash this week," "I can't take anymore," blah, blah, I leave very little room for concern over what has happened in his day...his week....year.... and am selfishly and desperately looking for some kind of pat on my back that says "you rock, honey."
What? Ridiculous, really.
And every morning I become acutely aware of the absurdity of my night time need for accolades and disregard for the partner by my side. Thank the Lord that His mercies are new every morning.
Convicted.
4. We should be listening to the other.
Sometimes the most basic instruction, and in this case it's simply listening, can be the most difficult to follow. Why? Because we're so desperate to get our own point across that we miss everything being said. Not listening to each other (really listening) results in fruitless and potentially damaging conversations.
Sometimes my listening skills look something like this:
Chris: "Don't bring home anymore pets because you'll end up taking care of them yourself! The kids will do it for a week and then you'll end up putting more on your plate."
What he was saying: For the love. Don't bring home another animal from PetSmart for your own sake!
What I heard him say: I hate animals! Curse pets! They should all be free and not bound in a cage!
I brought home a bearded-dragon and hamster within two months of each other. I'm daily cleaning up poop and buying more animal food, cursing the pets each time I go near their cages.
I should've listened.
Convicted.
It's too easy to put a relationship's problems on the other person, but until we each recognize our Biblical calling and the weaknesses that we need to work through, until we are truly convicted by our own sin, our marriages cannot thrive.
And this is why I'm deeply grateful for grace today. Today, God's grace abounds to me, and I'm thankful that I am not on my own in this journey. None of us are. If you're a believer in Jesus, grace abounds and is given again and again, over and over. And in marriage grace is needed in abundance.
Today I'm praising God for His grace and for His Mercy.
And today I personally give thanks for my saint. I mean husband.
*The NIV Application Commentary: Colossians, Philemon by David Garland
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